Love is the most subtle, humbling and mysterious life experiences of all. That’s all I know about it.
Silently it settles in and one of those ordinary days, when less expected, it violently hits your core and takes your breath away. For years or for a life time.
It has no borders, no limits, no discrimination of gender, race, religion, and anything. It is like a deadly “virus” that doesn’t recognize any of these twisted and ever changing humanly set criteria and dead end patterns. The Caesar comes to collect what’s Caesar’s. The same as death is. Rich or poor, gay or straight, sick or healthy, famous or anonymous, politically right or politically left….you’ll die like all the billions of humans before and after you. Very very soon. We are vulnerable to love at any given moment as we are to death itself. With each breath we take, we risk to fall into it.
It has a lot of sense to be this way…otherwise it will be anything else but love. It won’t push you out of your comfort zone, it won’t drive your sleep away, it won’t make you look stupid, nut or weird when speaking, and it won’t squeeze out from your roots the truth about who you really are…or aren’t.
My worse falling in love episode happened while watching a film together, after a few months of companionship sort of dating. None of us wanted something too serious with the other. We were entertained enough with having a smart and sexy company at times. Who the hell knew there’s nothing easy going with such Molotov combinations on the background of mutual attraction?
We were laying cuddled into each other, an overwhelming vibe of tenderness settled in behind my back and all of a sudden I felt a hammer breaking my heart into trillions of tiny pieces, my breath fading away and my mind filling up with confusion. I feared the cuddle thing like hell itself since then and I avoided it at my full potential.
I didn’t even recognize it as being love, I thought I had a medical condition, so next day I started to make my blood analysis and a lot more others. That stupid I was. After a while it hit me: oh my God, I’m fucked to the bones!
And it wasn’t even a decent romantic film! It was Gadjo Dilo…with stunning Rona Hartner, gypsies and loads of dirty talking! Beautiful! And damn awarded.
I knew exactly why I was so fucked. Our story had no chance because it was clear from the start that we are and will be on different paths…at least for a lifetime. Even in those troubling moments when we said to each other “Wait! I don’t know…!”, we knew. And even though it ended up being mutual in a sort of twisted way, after never ending out of phase episodes, that kind of love never changed a thing about that. On the contrary, it became more and more irreversible from one choice to another. There was nothing to fight for. Nothing to wait for. And nothing to stay for.
I knew it’s not good or smart to express my feelings, especially because I am the worst at words when it comes to my own emotions, but it was too much and I was too young. Once I became aware of It, everything changed. Once the other became aware of It, everything changed again.
We never mentioned the L word since then or in any of the rare occasions we met over the years. It was irrepressible and it was always better to be nothing.
(flash from my film early phases working drafts: cutting the clutter)