…and I can’t let go
There’s a saying that keeps popping up everywhere – you know those pictures covered with a wise something that usually get loads of likes and comments – “Freedom is another word for nothing left to lose”.
I like that one. Mainly because I had my share of it and to be honest, it also has a good sound. Recently, I bumped again into it or vice-verse…somewhere on the www.
I lived the “nothing left to lose” state of being and there’s little more to add to that conclusion.
Fears, hesitations, neurotic moments from extreme exhaustion, strong emotions on a burned out background, confusion, all sorts of post traumatic syndromes, emotional withdrawal, and so on…are following you like an immortal shadow. They are always there. Freedom doesn’t mean they dissolved. The more you grow, the more they grow. The more you change, the more they change.
The difference between then and now (when there’s nothing left to lose) is that now – you don’t fight with them or run from them anymore, you face and manage them. At least that is what your new mission and trials are all about. A continuous self reconfiguration about which you are pretty much aware at all times, more or less.
Having nothing left to lose means that you have experienced a lot of trauma, disintegration, pain and suffering ….and if you were lucky enough, you also got over the worst hemorrhagic moments, over the crisis itself and now you can at least crawl, move a finger, blink or something.
All those things reshaped you from the roots. All there is now are deep scars and a few organs left – to move on in a more intelligent way …for a little more while until your life runs out. It will take a time (sometimes a long time or a life time) to heal enough in order to walk, to run, to fly (again). If you are blessed. If not, at least you got some peace of mind and you’ll end up being a happy crawler.
Peace of mind because you made up your mind. You chose your way of being and you simply can’t let it go anymore.
When there’s nothing left to lose…it’s more about there is nothing left to lose outside yourself. Your only card left to play is who you are …or better put it, the truth about you.
Such first radical life end or life turning point can happen at your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s….anytime on the life timeline. No matter when it is and how rough and ruthless it happens, say thank you for it as often as you remember. It means you’ve been offered more time to be and to live better or at least closer to the truth that you are and that lies in you. To be you at a higher and maybe even more fulfilling potential. If you were spared of all that and grace was the way meant for you, then you are a lucky piece of art. Say thank you more often.
When you reach this drowning into yourself type of experience – where you can simply smell and sense your own core (usually by falling or failing) there’s a point when you have no choice but choosing your next/new way of being and of living your remained life. A remained life time that may be 1 hour, 20 days, 6 months, 40 years. We have no clue about that.
You are doomed to stay there at the bottom of yourself (that is how it went with me) until you are able to articulate yourself. But more than “able”, until you decide, choose. Once you make up your mind, there’s at least one way out. From that moment the first level of self-freedom begins. That kind of freedom that gives you the strength to endure with a drop of peace of mind, calm and courage things like acts of injustice, lack of fairness or lack of love from the one you love – without giving up on yourself and on trying to do something about it, including letting go.
Freedom comes also with a sort of clarity and that helps you a little bit to master yourself better. It’s like a new potion or “weapon” you got by finishing the previous level….not dead enough.
That first level of freedom it’s a totally new realm and despite what many might think…you have no clue how this game goes. You only learn by making steps forward into unknown, one by one. Fearing, trembling, hesitating, being a chicken at times, falling into temptation, saying stupid things, making dumb things…and all the rest of human emotions and …you call them as you like.
How to be? That’s what I found to be a core question that needs an answer, a new choice to make – once pieces of the truth about yourself had been revealed to your mind / understanding.
These are a few flash insights that I got from my “nothing left to lose” life experience. And when I said “you”, it was mostly about my own talking to myself during those times that I spent at the bottom of myself. One of the bottoms after a series of other previous bottoms. The lowest I experienced until this point of my life.
In future, maybe more thoughts will come to my knowledge. Or not. For today, that’s it.
….and the right song for this one may easily be “Love Runs Out” by OneRepublic. Enjoy it!
It should add a drop of good mood and energy to this new mysterious day that lies ahead -:)