It’s again spring. My 35th spring here, on the planet. Soon, now in April. This is the first spring in years when parts of my lost innocence are back in their old places and make an interesting fusion with the new wisdom and balance that have settle in for a while. Miracles happened on the way and innocence pieces that I never thought I could ever meet again..here there were. God, how far I bounced from myself…and how much I missed them. Still, there are other parts that will never be the same. For some of them, maybe that was the point.
I have this scene in my mind, it keeps flowing over and over since I laid my eyes on you and can’t get it off. We are face to face. We come from two completely different paths. Rough ones. Long and exhausting roads. We are both gladiators. I didn’t expect you to be you and God only knows that you did not expect me to be me. That’s clear. I was not even an option. I know it’s too much on your plate…but “luck” and “being easy” was never part of your charts. Neither of mine. So I suggest to embrace it…and to embrace me of course. You could also get scared and run. Yes, definitely you have the freedom to make this choice. Nevertheless, I hope you won’t. I pray you won’t.
So, it’s late afternoon. You traveled long hours to come here where I am now. Everything is arranged so you can feel free and comfortable. Your birthday is also a good pretext for this adventure. Mine too. There’s a nice small hotel near my house and I think you’d love it, especially because it’s very central and the street where it is located is simply beautiful. All the action happens here, of course…because it’s the perfect spot and you can’t miss this…not to mention you love islands as much as I do.
So this is it. I take you to see the fairytale sunset that I am sure you want to see with your own eyes this time. You are in time for it. We can’t articulate words well to each other. It’s a lot of tension between us, good laughs are followed by heavy moments of silence. I have no idea why. But my guess is because it’s overwhelming, because your force and my force adjust to each other…and this is a process. I look at you when you are not looking. You look at me when I am not looking. We both know it…but we act like we don’t.
We take off our shoes, feel the black volcanic sand under our feet and find a good spot near the ocean where we sit down. It’s so electrocuting. I have to move a little further…a few centimeters as the heat between you and me is so burning. You feel the same and you do the same. We become insecure for a few moments. What if it’s rejection? What a troubling feeling and violent insecurity…it almost takes my breath away. Thanks God it does the same to you.
A wild guy starts playing at his guitar somewhere above the beach. We both turn our heads and look at him, obviously we both know and like the song …we smile and look at each other. Something happens. We can’t stop. Looking at each other. I hear my heart blowing my brains out. I hear also yours. I think you hear mine, too. I know it, in fact. You experience the same storm. It’s overwhelming. We knew all about it, except…experiencing it.
The attraction between us is pushing one towards the other. We are so close that we can sense the movement of the cells throughout our bodies. It’s so organic…and so alike, but so different at the same time. Your look is changing. My look is changing.
We are terrified to touch each other…to hold hands, to pick up each other’s scent…to kiss. We are like two statues experiencing volcano eruptions inside. I think we are terrified by each other. Or by what each of us is, can be and become in reaction to the other.
We are terrified because we both know that once we do touch, we’ll never let go to each other…It’s such a clear unknown fact that we both know so damn well. Have no idea how…but we are scared like hell!
There is only one way from here. Together. Dancing. We’re the restless hearted / Not the chained and bound.…as the song says…Isn’t this beautiful?
Seems we laugh very well with one another and we both love stupid and childish kind of jokes, but for the moment I’m still facing your back. Are you going to turn around? This spring?