Striking lights & green little shinning stars

This is how too many people hope for and imagines happiness, God answering their prayers, miracles and success.

I am very reserved about inspirational new industry that grew overnight on the ground of desperation because in my view there are too many striking lights and green little shinning stars in their human being approaches.

If you find yourself wondering “Am I going crazy or what the fuck is going on?” – chill out.  Statistics show that by 2020 (which means less than 8 years) depression will be the 2nd death cause in the world after heart diseases and by 2050 it is expected to become the first.  Today, officially speaking there are 121 millions people facing depression. I think there are much more, unofficially.

But hey…don’t go extreme now: it’s just another fact of millions of other incredibly twisted and paradoxical facts we face today. That’s all.

A Russian proverb sounds like this: “If you wake up and you don’t feel any pain it means you are dead”. I always loved Russian literature & type of humor. This one makes my laugh out loud. So LOL.

The point is that depression is not the disease of poor & very poor people, but of those people who are still ok or at least more ok than many – from a financial & social status perspective. It is the disease of people who still have something to loose or who started to loose themselves in order to not loose their things: house, car, job, business, etc or in order to not get rid of their fixations. Depression is a soul and spirit disease. And it’s curable!

And that is something to really worry about! Because if ordinary and ok people started to run crazy from various fears and reasons – overcoming our world’s challenges like business problems, leadership issues, poverty, environmental issues and so on – becomes a more complex and harder challenge than we thought about while waiting or looking for a striking light to hit us and start seeing green little shinning stars and feel joyful, happy and very happy.

It’s ok to feel lost today. It’s ok to feel depressed today. Especially when there are times when no solutions for your life problems rise to surface! When you try millions of leads until exhaustion and all you get in return is another million of rejections and “no” as an answer.

Holding on is not quite an easy task.

There are times when we just don’t know what to do, where to go, what else to try, to whom to speak with, from where to ask for help, from where to get a second chance. There are times when holding on feels like an impossible mission. There are times when everything we have to endure becomes an aggressive agony.

So yes, it’s ok to feel lost and from time to time even depressed, scared and worried. It’s natural. We are human beings.

And yes, it’s ok to save your energy and stop simulating perfection and well being all over Facebook, Linkedin or other similar places just because people look for successful people, striking lights and green little shinning stars.

Many things are not normal today. Many values systems are upside down. Many poor leaders occupy sits in organizations and politics until reaching their 80s. Many potential young leaders can’t break this wall because of all these things. And many successful people failed more than they succeeded in life until they reached an ok state of being at some point in their lives.

At first I was thinking to write after I manage to get out at light, after I manage to succeed again. But I changed my mind.

I want to write now, because the truth is we don’t know if we manage to get that second chance, if we manage to hold on until our good times come again, if we manage to break the ice and there are many things to talk about while walking in the dark; while facing millions of rejections, fear and worrying, while facing absurdity, while being alone and while trying and trying and trying and trying.

Like many people, some bigger than me and some smaller than me – I also face shitty and bad times. I also fell. There are times when I think that only a lottery ticket can pay my increasing debts and save my life from big time failure.

There are times when I feel like only if God comes down from the sky and helps me with a striking miracle – I can get back on my feet and feel life running through my veins again.

There are times when I have hope and there are times when I loose hope.

All my friends and most of my family emigrated, spread around the world, left this shitty country and just went somewhere else. But there is no longer a different somewhere else. Globalization shows us that we are all the same, no matter where we live. The only thing that is different is how well developed is one economy or another.

I am not just lost. I am fucking lost. But I am not depressed & I still have a huge desire and need to live again, to feel again, and to get back into the world. Still, there are times when I feel frustrated when after trillions of trials everything smashes by a big unbreakable thick wall like I have never tried. In the past, when I felt frustrated I was angry. Now, I am only silent. I feel disarmed for a couple of days and then I try again.

Of course I am affected. Nobody remains perfect after an aggressive falling, after an aggressive love story with someone even more lost than me, after aggressive business partners’ approaches who don’t give a shit about laws and anything and after an aggressive and corrupted country leadership and justice system. Of course everything changes.

Anyway, at start I thought that being out of the world while still being alive, young and able to work it’s the end of the world and it’s the worst agony of all.  Completely fucked up! Besides my pain I couldn’t see anyone and anything else on this new shitty planet called Living Hell.

And yes, it is the end of the world and yes- it is the worst agony of all. Whoever crossed these bridges knows what I am talking about.

But it could have been worst. At least I am in one piece, I am not yet mentally alienated (at least not officially) and I have discovered more from who I am. So one day when I could blink for the first time in my new darkness I said to myself: “fuck the pain! It will be there anyway, even if I am staring at it or not.” I’ll cross all bridges when I get there. One by one. Until then I won’t think at problems, I think at solutions.

That’s how I did and that’s how I do in order to not let myself affected by stress, pressure, worries, etc.

I wanted to fly as I used to. I was a flyer. I am a flyer. I am a speed acrobatic jet plane. But I had no wings left. The one I loved the most took care of that. I was stupid, of course. It was my fault to allow it.  Now I know. Where was my head? What head? It doesn’t matter now, it’s past perfect.

Fuck! My hair looks like crap. I have to do something about it. I don’t like to go to wars without a proper haircut.  So I went to do my hair.

Ok. If I can’t fly, then I’ll run. But I had no legs for running. My biggest client took care of that when he told me with a big smile on his face “be practical and go home, I won’t pay you the last part of the contract & I won’t give back the materials stocked here. Go in court and make me pay.” Another few clients did the same. In Romania it’s a common practice because the justice system is as it is, crisis came and everyone went crazy. I wasn’t practical as advised by my big fish sinner client and I opened a range of law suits. Some went bad, some went good, some are pending and some blocked.

I had to do this way – to fight back from 3 main reasons:

– to correct past management errors

– to follow justice, it was a matter of principle and business integrity

– to create a precedent (jurisprudence): very important for our justice system and  future similar causes

Ok. If I can’t run, then I’ll walk. But I couldn’t walk in the middle of these fights. Politics went crazy, taxes increased overnight, bankruptcies multiplied overnight, economy died, markets blocked, no money left, less money able to do, can’t sell any properties.

Ok. If I can’t walk, then I’ll crawl. And since then I’m crawling. 3 years already. Enough time to correct some mistakes, to think at some errors I made, to measure my pride, to find out more about who I am , and so on. The usual stuff people think at when things go bad.

Well, from some reason while I was and I still am crushed like a bee on a wall but still blinking with an eye – people in much better circumstances than mine come/came to me for help; for just talking; for just spending some time around, for just uplifting their spirit. They say I just make them see better and feel better. They say I give them clarity, even if most of the times I am silent and just listen or just put on the table some options (questions) after a situation is being described.

I am not the inspirational type, I am sarcastic, cynical and sometimes I am not so kind, smiling and polite. And the truth is that sometimes I talk like shit. Now is one of these times. So I am not quite the type to come to – as I am not a pampering follower. But I guess I care about people, after all – more than I thought I did.

Anyway, I started to become aware of my inner power and I realized that despite the fact that I face many loses and many unsolved problems, I don’t face the lost of myself. And because of that I can help others even if I am down. Down there is a lot of help needed. It’s another world full of dark tunnels and catacombs. And despite appearances there are so many people crawling and what means down for you, means up to them.

I realized I can’t control anything. What is most important is that I realized that I am not lost from myself, from who I am. And this keeps me in one piece mentally and psychically.

So, from such not quite the ideally position it is hard to put my ideas in practice, to overcome the visible poverty, to make new business, and to rebuild my life again. But it is just harder, not impossible.  Until sun will rise also on my street, I fight to overcome the invisible poverty. The one many people can’t see/feel in due time. The one which if becomes visible many and more valuable people will start falling and more material poverty and more problems will exist in the world. Because they’ll fall or because they’ll be too busy being depressed and won’t pay attention at what’s happening around them, they won’t react.

If I have this gift, I just use it. It is one of few things that I can do for people.

I also send solutions when I have time and ideas – in the international competitions calling for business and social innovation problem solving responding. I loose more than I win, but I keep sending them…because I learn, I keep myself informed and up-to-date with the future, I develop my writing and my presentation skills, I create opportunities and I meat incredible remarkable people.

When I win I make money and this way I win some extra time. I am aware it’s shitty money comparing with their real value, but this is it. It’s better than nothing. For the moment.

I reached to have an impressive resume because of this global problem solving, but still no valuable partnerships coming as feedback. Not yet, but everything it’s possible.

I am also aware of many other things that sometimes I find exploitative and unfair regarding this open innovation & crowd sourcing thing; regarding people. But I am more aware about the good side of things. A winning solution can save a lot of unknown people’s jobs, can create new working places for other anonymous people, can save organizations, can create a future for organizations, can come with an answer to a real problem. It can make a huge difference and it can change the world.

A non-winning solution can inspire leaders while reading & evaluating it. And inspiring a leader means inspiring all the people he or she interacts with and all the people who depend on his/her actions & performance in both work and life.

So I keep sending solutions to business and societal issues when possible – as long as I still afford an internet connection. Because this is something I can do by just being who I am. This is something that anybody can do. This is another thing that I can do for people. And I am one of the best in this game.

Of course it does not always make a difference directly into your life. But between carrying and not carrying, carrying is better. More is more.

I have no idea about tomorrow. I have no idea about what’s coming next for me and how things will turn out – because I am determined to not accept less than I value: neither in work nor in my private life.

I love life, even when it’s a living hell. I love people, even if I don’t trust and fully understand them. I love to work, even if my working destiny always went around tough, hard and complex issues which it seems I like or attract  the most.

I am lost but only for the moment. Like getting lost not like feeling lost. It’s important to sense this nuance also when it comes to you. It’s a saving one.

Every day I try and every day ends bad. And there are days that ends very bad as other crazy things keep happening as “bonus”.

Every morning I wake up with hope and every evening I go to bad hopeless and disarmed.

But from time to time a miracle happens, good things also happen, good things also exist – and this is what makes me move forward, hold on and cross from one day to another at my full potential.

This is life. This is holding on. This is trying. This is how transitions look like. This is how living crazy times feels like.

Living life is an art, an art we work on until we die. Life means taking one day at a time.

I don’t know if I ever manage to come with a happy pink & striking post where I can say to you that my trials and my holding on was worthing the efforts. There are too many things we don’t know, we don’t understand and we can’t control. But I do hope so!

I don’t know much, but what I know is that life isn’t about striking lights and green little shinning stars. At least not the way we think or expect them to look like!

This is my approach of social entrepreneurship – done from an individual perspective. And this is what I understand by doing what you can, with what you have, where you are.

What’s yours? How do you handle your bad times, how do you raise to the level of your aspirations and what do you do for making our world better even when you are not living your pink times?